Aussie in Soviet Russia

http://vk.com/sovietaussie


 
G’day
My name is Tim, or should I say меня зовут Tim.
I’m just a regular Aussie guy; I like my cars fast, my beers cold and my girl’s leg’s shaven. However this Aussie life has really gotten me down a lot lately. My cars are broken, my beers are gone and the girls are beginning to get hairy.
It was time to make a move. I have decided to head for the snow covered hills of Russia. I have found a humble soviet town called Yakutsk where the temperatures can be as low as -50….crazy right!
With the help of my soviet friend Ksenia I will try to adapt to the Russian way of life, I will drive their Lada’s, Drink their Vodka’s and look at hairy Russian female legs.
 
 
Здравствуйте.
My name is Ksenia…and yes, I have hairy Russian female legs (only in the winter. Thus Russian girls can stay alive).
I don’t know what happened in the mind of this crazy Aussie and why he move to Lada, vodka and potato paradise. Probably Australia is too calm for our soviet souls.
I will try my best to teach Tim to be Russian. Who knows, maybe his Soviet soul is so big, that he will never want to leave this place for hard workers. We will see.
Here are some instructions for you:
 
Lesson№1. For a start you have to get ready for Russia in Australia to some things.

1. You don’t need a bed anymore. Call your friends and throw out your bed. You can organize it as a ritual. A peculiar ritual of sacrifice in honor of the Soviet bright future.
   Instead of bed you have to buy a couch. Here you can use your creativity. The main thing is in the morning you should have aching back. It helps every Soviet people to work hard and diligently.

 

1. Please, buy this bed linen with a hammer and sickle. It will give you the energy of the Soviet sun when you're under a blanket. Any bed linen that does not carry soviet colors is illegal in Russia. If you are found with colors other than red and gold then you will be thrown into the Gulag and never be released.

 

1. Don’t smile. Ever. It is illegal in Russia. You need to prepare yourself in advance. It is best if you have surgery that stops your mouth from smiling, if you accidently smile you will also be thrown into Gulag.

 

1. I advise you to start loving potatoes. And try to cook borsch. Eat some strange food as more as you can. If you miss Australian food you can simply go to кфс and eat Russian version of chicken. It is similar to Australian chicken however it is made with potatoes and hard work.

 

1. Do not throw packs. We hoard it. Every family has a package with packages.

 

1. About crazy weather. It will be so hard for person who live where more than 60 degrees all the time (ok, ok I am joking. There just 40 degrees). To be honest even I don’t know how to stay alive in –50 degrees. I just can give you some advice. Use ice everywhere. In your drinks, your bath, your food, your cars, your bed (oh no bed, couch!), you can put it in shoes, sometimes you can use ice pillow and use your fantasy you can make a lot of stuff with ice!

 
Follow my advice and you can be ready for a trip to the Soviet world.
 
 
Lesson №2: At the airport.
 

1. I can imagine how you will be happy when you will be almost in Russia. But please don’t show people that you are happy. I said early that smile is illegally here.

 

1. Before departing the warm Australian climate be sure to go to the bathroom and change into fur underwear, it will help keep your genitals warm once you arrive in Russia.

 

1. Once you are on the plane say your рока рока’s to Australia, once you go Russian you will never go back.

 

1. Once you arrive at the Russian airport there are lots of bears. Remember this, please. To be careful at take with you bottle of vodka. Bears love it. They will not touch you if you will have some vodka.

 

1. Don’t be surprised that service in Russia is difference than in Australia. Here people are hard workers and always tired. They can’t to be happy. It’s impossible. Only time you are allowed happiness is on 22nd of April every year for Soviet Day. Here you are able to smile but only in presence of statue of Lenin.

 

1. If talk about service. Taxi! I am not sure that you will buy your Lada already in the airport. So you should use taxi. You know already about crazy Russian drivers. But you don’t know who taxi drivers are. They love talk with people about everything (people in Russia knows a little bit English language, but I think they will not understand your Aussie quickly English, learn Russian!) and listen strange music (it’s call like chanson. Please use Google you should to listen it).

 
Lesson №3: Walking down the street in Russia.
 

1. To be allowed to walk down the street you must first bribe a police officer. Here your Australian money is no good, you must pay the officer either Rubles or with pictures of Lenin.

 

1. Once you have the police permission to walk the streets of Russia you need to put on the soviet approved footwear. Normal shoes will not work on slippery Russian streets, you need to put tennis rackets onto your feet to help get traction.

 

1. On the streets during the winter (4/5 of all soviet time) they sprinkled salt on the streets. That people don’t falling on slippery Russian streets. And that’s why you should to shoes made out of really high-quality rubber. Probably yours Aussie shoes would not be appropriate for Soviet Russia.

 

1. Russia is a big country so you will get tired walking around, if this happens then you will need coffee. There are many soviet-approved coffee shops in Russia. It will involve drinking black coffee while standing around a large round table in the shop. It will help provide a sense of communism.

 

1. You should to wear the most horrible clothes that you have. Better if you will buy some addidas. If you will do it Russians men will think you are Russian and will ask you will you drink Zhigulevskoe (Russian beer, taste like mix of dirt and water) with them or not. Don’t say «no» or they will understand you aren’t Russian and will beat you.

 

1. In Russia people like to call to women like "girl" (девушка) regardless of what age she is. Even if she is 70 years old lady you should call her like this. Remember it, please.

 

1. I think that the smell outside is a little different from what you're used to breathe. Soviet people breathe smoke from factories, exhaust of Lada, and fumes from hard workers. To be ready.

 

1. When you cross the road to be careful. We have pedestrian crossings and traffic lights of course but it does not help to stay alive here. The most important thing to look around and to escape during transit roadway.

 

1. If you walk on sidewalk then be careful, if there is a traffic jam then Russians will drive on the footpath, if this happens then call стор хам  and then will put a sticker on the car’s windshield and abuse the driver in Russian.

 
Lesson №4: At the public transport.
 

1. Sooner or later you will have to use public transport. The first thing you have to determine for yourself it is how you feel about the smell of gasoline, sweat and cheap perfume. Now it should to be normal thing for you.

 

1. Once you are on Russian public transport, be sure to leave your wallet hanging out of your pocket, this will make it easier for thieves to steal. It is a great honor to have your wallet stolen on Public Transport in Russia.

 

1. If you decide to travel by Trans-Siberian express then you will sleep on the train. The accommodation is many people all sleeping in small room. If you

 

1. Simply steal a Lada. These cars are well known because they are easy to steal, they are also very reliable.

 

1. Very caring people do not close Lada on the lock. And in the glove box you can find a bottle of vodka and mashed potatoes, specially left for you.

 
Lesson №5: At the shop.
 

1. For a start you need to find a shop. You have to decide what kind of store (grocery store, clothing store, etc.).  Small tips for you. That to find a grocery store you have to go to a very unpleasant smell (smell of rotten fish). If you will follow my advice you will soon find yourself at the grocery store. With the clothing store will be more difficult, because you have to find the most fashionable people. And in Russia each person dressed fashionably. It is an incredibly difficult task. But if you saw a guy in open shoes and socks you cope with the task, and if a girl wearing addidas pants and shoes with heels, it is incredibly fashionable shop.

 

1. Russian fashion is the most interesting topic. It is impossible to think, you should to feel it. Anyway, you will look different from Russian, because you'll to wear different clothes than wear Russians. Even if it will be addidas. Your addidas will not to have Russian style, Russian soul.

 

1. Russian sellers like to deceive people and give them less money than needed. To be angry always at shop, even if you have a great mood and think this seller girl is cute. If you want to save your money so to be gloomy.

 

1. In the grocery stores always look at the date of manufacture and expiry date. Be careful, watch not only the month and day of release, but and date of manufacture. It will not be surprising if you can find any product that is made in the USSR time and is still on the shelves in grocery stores. Of course you can buy it for in Lenin's honor and to present it to his monument as an offering.

 

1. You can’t to find Vegemite and Milo in Russia, find any analog or learn how to make it here. Even if you ask your friends to send it by mail it will come to you in a few years. Sometimes I think that the Russian mail use the bears for the delivery of letters and parcels. And bears are swimming poorly and probably it takes a lot of time to cross the ocean.

 

1. Alcohol! This is the most important topic. Here there is a curfew (dry law). You can’t to buy alcohol at night from 10 pm to 10 am. And alcohol can help you in any situation. Beginning with an introduction to a new person and ending fixes of plumbing. So I advise you to have at home a few bottles of vodka (this Russian currency).

 
Lesson №6: Morning time in Russia.
 

1. I even don’t know in which time you start your day in Australia. Here we are all hard workers and we are starting our mornings at 5 am. So you can understand why we never smile, we are just always tired and sleepy.

 

1. Coffee. I know, you love a good coffee. Forget taste of good coffee! We are drinking soluble coffee from tin cans. At first time you will think you are drinking everything but not coffee, but then you will like this taste (life is life). It may remind you of drinking dirt from the ground, but this is Russian coffee, you will begin to love this taste. When you get back to Australia you will want to drink dirt.

 

1. Next you must have Russian breakfast, forget about this because this word does not exist in Russia, there is no time for breakfast, only hard work.

 

1. Time to get dressed. In Russia it is customary to wear fur underwear. Sometimes this underwear can be made from cat fur, raccoon fur, the most luxurious is made from polar bear fur, only Moscow’s richest can afford this underwear.

 

1. By the time you leave the house for a hard day of backbreaking work in Russia it will probably almost be sunset. The sun is only in the sky for a short duration in Russia, this will make you sad. The best cure for this feeling is to head straight to local Vodka-dispensary and consume until drunk.

 
Lesson №6: Dating Russian Females
 

1. Once you have settled in to life in Russia you may want to find a Russian bride. In Russia the most beautiful females will have the longest hair on their legs, this provides them with warmth and can be used to knit beanie with.

 

1. To locate single Russian females it is best to go to Fur Bikini contest. This is held every winter in Russia where the local girls will show off new fur bikini fashion.

 

1. Be careful. Russian females can be very bossy, if you get into a fight with them you can pretend to not understand, but they will probably throw potato at you.

 

1. Once you have located a single, bossy Russian female, it will be time to take her on a romantic date. Some places I would suggest are the snow fields, the potato fields, the borscht fields and the factory tours. After the date you will go back to her Russian apartment. If she likes you then she will rub potato all over you and then yell at you until you leave, this is the ultimate sign of affection in Russia.

 

1. During dates you can bring to a Russian girl a bouquet of potato flowers. They love it and if you do this, then you definitely can count on success. Instead of sniffing flowers Russian girl eating potato flowers. Do not be afraid, this is an old Russian tradition.

 

1. Of course you can do the most romantic gesture for your woman. For example to sing a song to her under the window playing the balalaika. Or to have a fight with a bear and give to her a fur coat made from this bear. If you will do it I am sure she will be yours.

 

1. If your date is successful then the Russian female will ask you for your postal address. There is not phone technology in Russia yet so you will write letters to each other, these will take a long time to arrive because Russian post office take many long breaks and days off. After many months your letters will arrive.

 
Lesson №7: Equipping Russian apartments:
 

1. While you're waiting for a letter you need to do something in these months of waiting. I recommend making your apartment more comfortable.

 

1. Of course, first you have to rent apartment. More than 80% owners of apartments are women with age more than 80 years. The other 20% is the grandchildren of these ladies. These women love hard workers so I advise you don’t have a shower at least a week and drink a bottle of vodka before you come to this woman for a meeting.

 

1. When you rented your apartment you have to wash everything with gasoline. Because you don’t know who used to live in this apartment. It can be a Russian Gopniks, alcoholics, prostitutes or students who are all of the above.

 

1. After how you wash every single thing with gasoline you will feel euphoria during many months and it will help you in the choice of design apartment.

 

1. The main thing in a Soviet apartment which gives a bit of sophistication in each apartment is a carpet on the wall and bulky closet that occupies half of the apartment. If you are lucky the owner of the apartment had already left all these things for you. Now you need only minimal things for life.  It is couch and 10 blankets.